he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
