Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize