On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Who died my cat blue again?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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