Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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