If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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