I'm really into asian looking animals
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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