That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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