I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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