tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize