I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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