i was born a porn star she said
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
