a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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