He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize