Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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