Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I will be naked everywhere
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
