Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Slut skills are useful in every country.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize