That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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