omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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