i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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