So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
