People with herpes should wear stickers.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
FUCK WHALES
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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