If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize