i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
