Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
