I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
You can't motorboat a personality
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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