at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
