I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
