if i can run in heels then i can drive
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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