I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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