Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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