Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize