I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
