I am in a vortex of obligation.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
