My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
