ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
