You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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