When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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