There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
