I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
