Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
