i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
