sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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