Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
