Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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