Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
