just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
