dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
