I like my sex mixed with concussions.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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