yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Blow job season was short but glorious.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
