Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I woke up under a house in Key West
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