i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize