Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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