nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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