I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
