I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
