I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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