Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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