I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
