My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
