o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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