Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
